


In your darkest hour

by Wetsoks



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Maggie Sawyer Needs a Hug, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Alex Danvers, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 14:57:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19770613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wetsoks/pseuds/Wetsoks
Summary: Maggie is plagued by thoughts and flashbacks from a less than stellar childhood, she has struggled with self-harm as a result of that childhood. One night, in her darkest hour, she is stuck with a negative line of thinking and she has to decide how to proceed, does she call her fiance for help or just end it all?





	In your darkest hour

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story very personal to me but is also quite dark and deals with themes of depression and anxiety as a result of childhood abuse.
> 
> Trigger warnings in this chapter for the following:  
> Suicidal Ideation  
> Suicide attempt  
> Discussion of self-harm  
> Semi graphic description of blood and wound  
> The allusion to past child abuse

Maggie stares at the blade in her hand as she fights her own mind. 

The urge to slice her wrist open was almost overwhelming. 

Almost.

She sat in her boxers and a vest on the closed lid of the toilet and tried to focus on her breathing, shutting out the war in her mind for just a moment as she got her bearings and tried to think. Maggie has been self-harming since she moved in with her Aunt, but this was different. This wasn’t for relief or control. This was about bringing it all to an end. A tear slid down her face as she somehow found the strength to place the blade on the counter and rubbed her hands up and down her naked thighs and tried to figure out what to do. 

She could call Alex. Her fiancé knew about her self harm, it's not like she could hide the scars from her lover, and still Alex didn’t judge her for it, just loved her through it, but something was holding Maggie back from getting her cell and making that call. The clear thought that this was not about self-harm, this was different; this was suicidal intent. Maggie thought about calling her best friend, Lucy, who had been there for her countless times in the past, but then she worried that she would be a burden to Lucy, she did not want that.

“Fuck!” Maggie yelled at the universe and she grabbed the blade from where she set it, her wrist resting on her knee and the blade poised to strike. She was so distressed that she could not get her thoughts under control, and control was the one thing that she was in desperate need of. Maggie swiped the blade in the direction of her wrist but fear struck her at the last possible second and she pulled her hand away before the blade sliced into her skin. Maggie exhaled in a hard, uncontrolled manner and stared at the uninjured wrist that seemed to have moved of its own accord. Somehow Maggie convinced her hand to retrieve her cell phone from the counter. 

Finding Alex’s contact in her contact list, still clutching the blade in her other hand, Maggie’s thumb hovered over the call button. She knew she needed help, she was close to doing something that she knew logically did not make sense but still, she found it near impossible to resist the urge to end her life by slitting her wrists wide open. A sob broke free from her lips, she forced her thumb down on the call button and raised the cell phone to her ear.

It rang, Maggie let another sob loose.

It rang a second time, Maggie was holding her breath, it was after 3 am, she was waking Alex up, she began to feel doubt.

It rang a third time, Maggie began to feel guilt over whether or not she should be making the call or not. 

It rang a fourth time and Maggie pulled the phone away from her ear preparing to hang up.

“Maggie, are you ok?” Alex’s voice sounded through the phone. 

Maggie let out a gasp and a sob, “Alex, I need you,” she cried out. 

“Are you home?” Alex asked, the sleepiness clearing from her voice as she began to grasp the situation.

“Yes,” Maggie responded to the question, “Please, help me.” 

Alex was already moving out of bed, she knew her fiance would not call without very good cause. She had spent their time together trying to convince Maggie that it was ok to ask people for help. Maggie calling was both a good and a bad thing, good because she was reaching out for help, but bad because if Maggie was calling then she was in a bad way. 

“I am ten minutes away Maggie, I am coming on my bike so I am going to hang up the phone now but I will be there soon ok?” Alex was pulling on clothes as she was speaking on the phone to Maggie. 

“Ok,” Maggie said in a small voice, “I’m sorry,”

“It’s not a problem, I will be there before you know it,” Alex promised.

Hanging up the phone Maggie set it back on the counter and tried to focus on breathing, there was a breathing exercise that Kara taught her. It was easy, inhale for four seconds and then exhale for four seconds. It was easy to remember, and the focus on counting helped her control her mind. After some time, Maggie wasn’t sure how long, the breathing no longer worked and she was back to seeing herself, in her mind, cutting the vein in her wrist wide open. Maggie closed her eyes and reopened them, she focused on the blade, Alex being on the way never crossed her mind again as she brought the blade down slicing open her wrist.

***

Alex used the spare key that Maggie gave her for emergencies and let herself into her fiance’s apartment. Taking off her backpack and leaving it on the floor Alex put her bike helmet on the kitchen counter along with her keys and then raced through the apartment looking for her lover. After finding the bedroom empty, she made her way to the bathroom and knocking first, she pushed the door open. Years of training in both the medical field and the DEO prompted her next steps as she reacted to what she saw: Maggie sitting on the closed lid of the toilet, a blade in her hand and blood literally pumping out of her wrist at an incredible rate. 

Alex dashed out into the hallway and grabbed a clean towel from the linen closet before re-entering the bathroom and quickly wrapping the clean towel around Maggie’s injured wrist tightly. She then guided Maggie to bend her arm at the elbow and hold her hand pressed against her chest above her heart. 

There was blood everywhere, but that did not deter Alex as she knelt in front of Maggie and manoeuvred her head so that she could catch her fiance’s eyes, “Hey Maggie,” she started and her voice was coming out much calmer than she actually felt, “Can I have the blade? I won't put it away, we can just set it up on the counter here and if you need it you can get it.”

Maggie looked at Alex, when had she gotten here? Then she looked at the blade she was referring to, it had blood on it, her blood. She looked down at her chest and saw her wrapped hand resting above her heart and screwed her face up in confusion but she held the blade out to Alex. 

Alex took the blade and, true to her word, she set it on the bathroom counter, where Maggie could see it and even reach it if she needed it. Though mental health was not a field that she was an expert in, Alex had spent an inordinate amount of time reading up on everything she could get her hands on in relation to survivors of childhood abuse and self-injurious behaviour. She had learned that self-harm was, to the harmer, an essential coping mechanism as much as a sling was to a person with an injured arm or blood pressure medication for those whose body did not manage their blood pressure well on its own. Alex knew better than to ask Maggie not to cut, or to give up any blades she had because this was going to impact her fiance negatively and that was the last thing she wanted. 

Placing one hand on her girlfriend's injured arm to keep it in place, Alex reached up and used her free hand to cup Maggie’s cheek, sweeping her hair back and putting her hand against the back of the distraught woman's head and pulled her into a hug.

“I am so proud of you for calling me,” Alex tells Maggie as she holds her close and rubs her back. 

They stayed that way until Maggie’s sobs quieted, she was holding tight to her fiance just focusing on breathing no longer having to worry about keeping herself safe because she trusted Alex to do that for her. After some time, only once Maggie started to pull away, Alex stood and guided Maggie to her feet.

“Let’s take a look at that cut in the kitchen ok?” Alex explained as she led Maggie with careful steps over her own spilt blood. Maggie followed the instructions and guidance that her partner gave her, she did not fight or resist.

The two women made it to the kitchen table and Alex guided Maggie to sit while she gathered her bag and got out supplies to take care of the wound. Maggie sat slightly rocking and stared at the table. Alex watched her out of the corner of her eye, she wasn’t sure Maggie was even in the room with her at the moment, instead, she was locked in her mind somewhere.

“Hey, Maggie, can you tell me where you are?” she asked quietly.

Maggie stopped rocking and flicked her eyes up to Alex, “In my kitchen with you.” she answered.

“Good, that’s good. Can you tell me what day it is?” Alex persisted as she took the seat beside her partner in life, maintaining eye contact. 

Thinking for a minute, then lifting her wrist to glance at her watch Maggie screwed up her face as she answered, “It’s Tuesday morning,”

Alex reached out and took the wrapped appendage gently in her hands, “Yep, do you remember cutting your arm?” 

Watching as Alex unwrapped the towel from her hand Maggie nodded as she let a tear escape her eye. It seemed that having the wound wrapped so tightly had encouraged some clotting and stopped the bleeding. Maggie watched Alex examine her wound and wondered whatever possessed her to injure herself in such a way. 

“This was different Alex,” Maggie said quietly.

Alex glanced up for a second to gauge the expression on Maggie’s face, then returned to tending her wound, “This might sting a little,” she informed as she used a sterile wipe to carefully clean around the wound, “Do you want to tell me what was different this time?”

Holding completely still, Maggie braced herself for the sting of Alex literally poking the wound, “I was trying to end my life.” she whispered, feeling shame wash through her Maggie hung her head. 

Discarding the dirty wipe to the side Alex looked through her first aid kit, “Ok thank you for telling me, do you still feel like that is something you want to do?” she asked as she prepared to further tend to the wound. 

“No,” Maggie said, “but I feel...not okay”

Taking a deep breath Alex nodded, “Ok, well we can start with stitches on this wound, then we can email your therapist and see if we can get an appointment sometime soon, how does that sound,” she explained as she prepared a needle and thread. 

Maggie pulled her wrist away, feeling the panic rise within her though she couldn’t quite identify why. 

“It’s ok babe,” Alex reassured but made no move towards retrieving the injured arm, instead she was letting Maggie come back to her, “Let’s deal with the here and now, later can take care of itself.” 

Studying Alex’s face, Maggie felt that she could read Alex’s intentions as true so offered her wrist up again, “ok but you are not the best at sutures.” she joked, trying to lighten the mood a little, trying to get the focus off of herself.

“Oh hush you big baby, I am awesome at this, besides you could always go to the ER and get some trainee to practice on you.” Alex quipped back.

“Nah, I’m good,” Maggie responded and then sat quietly while her girlfriend stitched up her wrist. 

Alex completed three stitches on Maggie’s wrist, before cleaning up her supplies and then setting the kettle on the stove to boil. She weighed her options up as she waited for the water boil, she did not want to scare Maggie off again, but she also couldn’t just leave things as they were, her fiance had admitted to attempting to end her life. Alex felt so far out of her depth that she was floundering in open waters. She had no idea how to help this woman that she loved. 

“Alex, I’m sorry,” Maggie broke the silence, seeing Alex was unsure how to proceed. 

“I know Maggie,” Alex replied, “but you understand that I am worried for you? I cannot just let this go, but you aren’t alone.”

Maggie sighed and got up, pulling teabags out of the cupboard and handing them over to her partner, “I know, I am sorry, I shouldn’t have called and worried you.”

Alex closed her eyes in thought, knowing that she had to tread carefully, “No, you did the right thing calling me Maggie,” she turned towards Maggie and took her hands in her own, “I want you to call me when things are hard. I want to help you through this and I know, I know Maggie that the depression and the anxiety lie to you, I know that reaching out to me was so very hard for you. I meant it when I said I was proud of you for calling me and letting me know that you were struggling. I don’t know how to help you, but I want to and I am with you so talk to me Maggie, tell me what you need. If you don’t want to call your therapist I will respect that but I need you to talk to me.”

Grabbing her cup of tea and walking over to the couch, Maggie sat and thought about what Alex was saying to her, “I don’t know what I need, Alex,” she said as she sat down and put her mug on a coaster on the coffee table, she watched her fiance sit beside her. “I just know that I am too raw for therapy right now, I cannot face it, please don’t make me.”

Sighing Alex washed her hand over her face thinking, she grabbed the dressing that she had brought with her cup of tea and opened it up, she held her hand out expectantly awaiting Maggie to present her wrist, her fiance offered up her injured wrist without complaint and watched as Alex placed the dressing over the stitches. 

“I don’t want to make you do something that you so obviously don’t want to do but you need to help me here Maggie, we need to make a plan. To keep you safe, so that I don’t worry too much about you, because I love you Maggie and when you hurt, then I hurt, so can you help me?” Alex explained as she discarded the wrappings form the dressing. 

She looked at the dressing on her wrist then over at Alex, seeking reassurance and finding it, she felt guilty for making Alex worry, “Ok, maybe...I can talk to you and maybe we can call Lucy as well and we can come up with a plan together?”

“Ok, that’s a good start, and yes you can always talk to me about stuff, no judgement” Alex explained, “do you want me to contact Lucy for you?” 

Maggie’s cheeks burned, “yeah I don’t think I can do it,” her eyes teared up. 

“That’s ok, I can get in touch with her." Alex reassured and she gently squeezed Maggie's hand, "Do you want to tell me what happened this morning?” Alex asked.

“It was just a nightmare,” Maggie explained.

“A nightmare or a memory?” Alex asked.

Sighing, Maggie leaned towards Alex, “a flashback, I couldn’t control it and then I just got to thinking that the only way to make it stop was to...to end it all.” 

Alex took Maggie into her arms, letting her lay her head on her lap and began stroking her hair soothingly, “Do you recognise that line of thinking is not logical?” she asked her fiance.

“I do now, but I couldn’t then, it’s like I was…” Maggie searched for the right word to describe how she was feeling, “...stuck.”

“Ok, I think it’s time for you to go back on the chlorpromazine,” Alex asserted in a tone that she hoped brooked no argument. 

Maggie nodded and sobbed as she tried to bury her head in Alex’s lap, “I don’t want to be like this,” she let out between cries.

“I know, I know baby, but it’s ok. We will get through this, together.” Alex promised. 

  
  


  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hi All, I am not done with A Storm Is Coming but this needed to be written too. It is not in the same world as ASIC but some of the dynamics and presuppositions still ring true. This story is not as well mapped out as the other and updates may not be as frequent. 
> 
> Please review and Kudos 
> 
> Wetsoks


End file.
